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this blog can now be found at:
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now I don't want to lose you! get on that! stay happy!

MyNewLife

So it's been a while. I go to college now. I live in Boston. I make up the rules, and on a pretty large playing field. I am pretty different. This sums up Brianna Battista right now:

my parents gave me $80

I was determined to save it, we discussed that rationally it should last until christmas break

but we forgot one very important thing

it was the weekend before halloween

$4 -- earrings

$6 -- lush Love Lettuce face mask

$5 -- coffee on date with munchkin man

$15-- real restaurant food on adventures with roommate

$50 -- white roller skates with purple wheels

It was a great halloween. I made a lot of waves. People cheered for me. GLORY.

Wait, glory isn't what sums me up right now. I meant bad decisions and impulse and irresponsibility and spontaneity. Oh. And maybe glory too.

CHANGE:

HOW I MISSED YOU.

I'm in Boston.
Not visiting.
Living.

And it's all so fresh, and finally I'm getting inspired again. To be different and experiment and explore.
For a while I was feeling really stale in Buffalo. Definitely in a rut, didn't really care about a lot of things.
Not HERE.

Here is different. Here is exciting. Here is the opportune moment. Here is the final frontier....just kidding.

But really. It's unreal. Basically I feel like I'm in a movie. People from all over the place in the world. Different cities, different sides of the country, different countries completely. Different people I've met:

-Brendan.
Part of my orientation group. Broadcasting major. From Pittsburgh. His roommate has an accordion. When his roommate leaves the room he walks around Boston and plays it. He doesn't know anything about how to play it really. But he had a riff that was his "jam." So we had a tune to step to in our ventures through Boston today. If anyone starts pulling out their wallets though, he runs away. That's not an understatement, he literally books it. The twist: he's completely serious about it. As quirky as it is it's not a joke. He plays because to get a smile or a laugh, even if someone is laughing at him. His philosophy is even if its just that someone who has a shitty life feels better because they're not a weird guy playing accordion in the commons, his work is done. He would literally walk through street performers with his accordion...push his way through. He would walk along, accordion around the neck, him happily playing. In fact SO happily that he couldn't stop. If you have a conversation with him, the accordion is a part of it. I might as well talk directly to the fucking instrument. We'd all be talking and the Orientation Leader (OL) would be trying to tell us something and they'd tap the accordion (like petting a dog on the head) and be like "Brendan...enough." He would play one more chord and then halt all further music until the ending of the conversation where he would resume contentedly. He also plays the synthesizer in a band back in da burgh. It's a one man band, and they have a couple of cd's.

More later

Quiet Revenge.

There's a girl. I will not name names in case I ever crave widespread blogging popularity and start telling people to read&follow. However. There's a girl. We both were "the new girls" at the same time in public school, 5th grade. In the same class too. It was a looped up class, making it hard to assimilate to an already tight-knit bunch. I played it cool and ended up making a bunch of friends later on. Not this girl. She was pretty so most people wanted to be her friend. But this girl fought and fought to be in the popular crew. She laughed extra loud at their jokes, begged for attention, talked about the people they talked about, would literally follow them. This drove me absolutely crazy, as it did them too. But she bitched her way to the top. Eventually they let her "in" to their clique and into popularity (ooh) and she's been there ever since. All throughout high school and everything. Its always bugged me. But now:

Her face is fat. Like really fat. Noticeably. Maybe its just really wide. Or maybe that's just where the fat goes. Hey we're all different.

But yeah. Her face = fat.
:)


Also:
A boy I know was being dumb after a not-so-innocent run-in we had with each other. We stopped talking for a while, mainly his fault. I saw him tonight for the first time in months (we hadn't even spoken in months). I kind of rejected him. And I was wearing a short black dress and looked really hot. He was wearing a pupa shell necklace.
:)

Not done.

Aphorism: a short, often witty statement of a principle or a truth about life.
A small collection:

A reasonable man adapts himself to suit his environment. An unreasonable man persists in attempting to adapt his environment to suit himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
George Bernard Shaw


All humans are hypocrites; the biggest hypocrite of all is the one who claims to detest hypocrisy.
Peter Wastholm

Take care of luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
Dorothy Parker

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
Dorothy Parker

I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

Boring people are a reflection of boring people.
Doug Horton

A man is a critic when he cannot be an artist, in the same way that a man becomes an informer when he cannot be a soldier.
Gustave Flaubert

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination
Oscar Wilde

A painting in a museum probably hears more foolish remarks than anything else in the world.
Edmond Jules Goncourt

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Voltaire

Art is a deliberate recreation of a new and special reality that grows from your response to life. It cannot be copied; it must be created.
Unknown

Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist after one grows up.
Pablo Picasso

Learning music by reading about it is like making love by mail.
Luciano Pavarotti

Ever notice that "what the hell" is always the right decision?
Marilyn Monroe

A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants.
Arthur Schopenhauer

Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you will cease to be so.
John Stuart Mill

Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event.
Oscar Wilde

Be good and you will be lonesome.
Mark Twain

Life is ours to be spent, not saved.
D. H. Lawrence

There is more to life than increasing its speed.
Mahatma Gandhi

After I'm dead, I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
Marcus Porcius Cato

We are here to add what we can to life, not to get what we can from it.
William Osler

Why ask why? If it's raining it just is.
Doug Horton

Experience, as a desire for experience, does not come off. We must not study ourselves while having an experience.
Friedrich Nietzsche

What else is love but understanding and rejoicing in the fact that another person lives, acts, and experiences otherwise than we do…?
Friedrich Nietzsche

A witty saying proves nothing.
Voltaire

I LOVE APHORISMS.

I'm on to them!

So I may have came off as mildly perturbed yesterday in that post about, you know, the concert tonight. But I wasn't sulking about it. I wasn't crying or anything. Or pouting, or giving my parents grief. In essence, I was being an angel, really. I was just genuinely sad. I didn't go up to my room. I was just in the living room on the laptop. Playing music, being quiet. This was after the blog post. You see, often I seem to blog about something that I feel really emotional about (especially if I'm angry/upset) and I splatter my ideas out on this webpage and just let it out. Then, once I click "publish" its nearly impossible for me to go on feeling bad. Whatever rage I had is up on the internet and its left there, and I move on with my day/life. Its pretty great. Love ya blogger!

ANYWAY, so I was feeling ok, you know? Not enraged as I was, but just down. Unhappy, but not obnoxiously so. My mom takes my brother Jimmy to bed, and the rest of my family is just peacefully coexisting in the room. So after my mom comes back, she says to my dad, "hey, why don't we buy Brianna's laptop tonight?" My dad gives her a puzzled look. "Weren't we going to wait a month?" he asks. "Well...I thought we could get it now. I know Bri is looking forward to it..."

And she keeps giving me this look. And I'm just sadly looking back. And she keeps on timidly looking at me this same way. And I'm like ...whaa-? when suddenly it HIT me. She was trying to please me. She was doing that cliché Popular Teen Movie/ ABC family original series "Greek" type of thing -- win back my love with materialism! Even though I wasn't giving her a hard time or anything! She just wanted to make it up to me and be in my good graces again through expenditure!

And my thoughts were proven correct when she insisted on buying an even nicer Mac than we had initially talked about. She said it was because she wants it to "last all 4 years of college" but come on. I know what she was trying to pull.

I should be disgusted by this. I resisted even when she asked me if I wanted to buy a laptop that night. I told her I didn't care. And I acted very demure for a while. Saying how the other computer was more economical, even if I didn't like it aesthetically. I tried not to smile and be of high spirits. I tried til I was blue in the face. But in the end, I loved that damn computer so much! Its just perfect! And then picking out what the engraved message would be on my new iPod touch! Oh it just filled me with that bubbly sensation that consumerism unfortunately brings! Not only was I smiling, I was grinning! Like a fool.

Guess at heart I'm just a whiny, greedy kid during the Christmas season -- thanks Mom & Pop! ;)

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK MY GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING SHITTY ASS-WIPE-OF-A-LIFE!!!

So. Apparently TODAY my mom scheduled for TOMORROW NIGHT (yes Friday night) a Fathers Day dinner with my grandparents (again, let me reiterate, Friday night). No, she did not ask anybody. She's working all weekend, so she wanted to schedule something with them.

You may be wondering why that would upset me to this extremity of despair.
Well. Tomorrow happens to be the NYLON Summer Music Tour. Patrick Wolf, Living Things, Jaguar Love and the Plastiscenes.



I have been planning to go to the NYLON Summer Tour with Corby for oh, about a year. I exaggerate a lot. However. That, my friend, is not an exaggeration. We have been saying how we should go since August. We were planning on going all the way out to Toronto for this concert. THAT'S how badly we wanted to go. We worked out all of the little details. We thought about who would drive, who we could bring with us, etc. But THEN, I got a tweet from NYLON in early May that said tour tickets went on sale! So I checked the website! And oh! What a line-up! Corby was just telling me THAT DAY how amazing Patrick Wolf is. How he practically idolizes this man. And wants his body, and whatever else. So of course I send him a text in hysterics like crying about how amazing it would be. But THEN THEN THEN! I looked at the tour schedule. And what? What is that? THEY'RE COMING TO BUFFALO?!?!?!?! That is unheard of! Simply a weird twist of fate! An unorthodox happenstance! A bizzare coincidence! Mind-blowing! I saw Corby the very next day and we were basically jumping up and down and making love in celebration. We were saying how we just had to get on ticketmaster and get them that very day! They were finally on sale! A mere $14!!

Well, needless to say, we didn't. We laughed Ho ho! nobody in Buffalo would bother going to a NYLON concert! Like Buffalonians know anything! Bah! Why bother getting them ahead of time? That's not what we do. We'll get them at the door.

If only I wasn't so childish and stubborn on being lazy. If I had just gotten a ticket, there's no way I would have to go this dinner. But no. THAT is where I shall be. Corby is taking someone else. He is going to tell me about it in a polite and not overly excited fashion. I am going to sulk. In misery. A miserable sulk. Not that you could have a joyous sulk, but still.

And I can't even get around this. Because my grandpa had a stroke in the fall, my mom is using that to guilt me. And while I understand, it's just so frusterating. I am really pissed that she did that without considering anyone else. UGH.

Ok, blogger.com, you're the person I decided to vent to because as of now I am in my living room and have to put a smile on. Fuck.

It's all so fake.

That's it.


Emerson College '13

--little--strings--of--ideas--

Senior SKIP day. The word skip was in there giving it a bad connotation, causing my mom to believe it was illegal and it would therefore would mess up my permanent record for college and the rest of my life. At 9:30 I sent her this text message:

Hi mom. Would you like to bring a small little sense of joy to the next 5 miserable hours of my life? Tim Hortons before u go to work? PLEASE!! CONSIDER BEFORE SAYING NO ALL OF THE PEOPLE FROM THE CABIN ARE LEAVING AT 10 I AM LOSING IT!!

Luckily this prompted my mother to then proceed to call Colleen, inquiring about this "skip day." Not only did Colleen laugh at her but had to insist that it was ok, my mom didn't believe her at first. Yeah...she's nutty. But she ended up picking me up at 10:30 so it all worked out.

Lately these are people that I think are interesting:
Angela Lewis, Kevin Fitzrandolph, Brandon Carboni, Sam Dry, Mr. Mitton, Mrs. O, Ryan something, Rodney Montgomery, Joe Kreppel, Emily McCormick, Daniel Suarez, Damien Purcell, Ellyn Borowski, Matt Faulkner. Can't help it. It's not that the other people aren't interesting, it's just that for whatever reason these people stick out right now. I may be friends with them or I may not know them very well or I may not even talk to them, ever, but they're just interesting to me. I just want to hear about what they think about different things; they're ideas interest me I guess.

I went to Borders today, and was reading a magazine talking about optimism. That's when I realized I am not so optimistic lately. I really want to get back to positive thinking you know? They talked a little about how to go about doing that. One thing they said to do was to write about where you would see yourself in 10 years if all of your dreams came true and you were living your ideal life. And then write about how you're going to do it. Well, I want to do that with a little spin -- a more short-term ideal life, and how I'm going to do it. I want to write about what my ideal summer would be and how it's going to happen! And I'm not entirely sure what I want my summer to be, but there are some things I know I want to do for sure:

-develop a better sense of style before college --> I'll read up at Borders with magazines and I'll read trustworthy blogs and save my money so I can actually buy clothes!

-stay close with my high school friends --> make sure I text them regularly, don't get lazy. I feel like that's the key to staying in touch with people and maintaining friendships. Make an effort to hang out on weekends, call THEM, let them know you care and keep up to date on their lives. That will hopefully become habit and will last us through college too :)

-lose weight --> ask for a personal trainer from the Y. try to maintain a steady diet making healthy choices and eating just 3 meals a day. go to the gym more regularly.

-intern at artpark --> talk to Ersing tomorrow then offer to call if he doesn't have the time

-make new friends --> practice talking to new people. listen to them. be friendly, not so closed-off. get their contact info and invite them to coffee or something fun. change aquaintances into friends by making plans with them.

-come into myself more --> do things for myself this summer. Read literature. Start knitting. Both are so easy at the park job. Cook. Write. Sing classical, jazz music and art songs. Explore, maybe take a cool class somewhere in something eclectic. Do things other than theatre and learn something before college.

-meet a boy...? --> open up and be more natural. go ahead and talk to someone new. don't be so shy. it's not always enough to just stare from the other side of the room, that doesn't make anything happen. go for it, talk to him and maybe you'll get a number. also have confidence! you hot! a summer fling could be just what you need.

-
That's all I can really think of for now. But yeah apparently that will make me think more positively. Hopefully my little variation works the same way. I feel good right now, so...ok, cool. Reccomend!

[sorry didn't really feel like putting pictures in]

Perplexing.

Does it mean anything that the only classes I like (and can STAND right now) are Wind Ensemble and AP English? And not Bel Canto, Vocal Jazz. Music Theory, etc.?

Does it mean anything when I say that I don't look forward to anything theatre-related or performance-related? And when I have to do it, I dread it?

Does it mean anything that I can't stand show tunes right now?

Does it mean anything that all I can listen to is WBLK, Jazz and Passion Pit?

Does it mean anything that I kind of want to cut out all theatre-related things from my summer?

Does it seem wrong that I can't motivate myself to practice any singing except for jazz standards?

Does it seem wrong that I care more about clothes right now than I do sheet music?

Does it seem wrong that I am not going to get the chance to explore ANYTHING when I go to college? And not even the amazing city I'll be living in?

SO.

...uh should I just hope that I become re-enthused in the fall?

Oh, Emerson!

Why can't college come sooner? I understand that I should be cherishing these "final moments" with friends and family and yeeaaaah yeah. But hey world, listen. I have long outgrown high school and every minute of every hour I spend there is SHEER MISERY. Happiness and High School are 2 mutually exclusive things-- they can't both exist at the same time!!

But at least I have an amazing college to look forward to. And a perk? In the Boston Commons, right across from Emerson are Swan Boats:

Such an odd "mezcla" of emotions

First of all, I have to inform you of a new talent I have discovered: the talent of BAILAR.

As in sexy Spanish dancing. Merengue hip bumps, Salsa chase turns, baby I got it all. Thanks to Dana (pronounced DAH-nah) I am on the track to latina stardom. Not to mention my unforgettable partner, Lindsey. She has helped make this all possible. Hopefully with a little more practice, we can look more like these other salsa competition pair:

And I need to vent too. Sorry I can't be all fun and games for you, readers. But that Jazzy Lady by the Name of Bri? That author? DAS ME.

So I just have been trying to avoid stress at all costs nowadays, taking things easy, staying out of any and all drama, choosing to kind of coast instead of checking out for the rest of the year. But the thing is its kind of IMPOSSIBLE until after next week. I just gotta get through that. My 2 AP Exams, the Mothers Day concert, this jazz concert I should be getting ready for, the the AWFUL improv solo I have in the gospel mass, the hours and hours of studying I have to do this weekend while prepping for the solo because I have no idea where to start ughhh. In the rehearsal yesterday, I was so lacking energy and inspiration. It was embarassing, I just was nervous and uncomfortable and bad. I was wishing I could have gotten a more straightforward solo. BUT hey, why would I want to be restricted to notes on a page? I want to sing what I feel! Mmmm make the notes fit to MY range! Who da boss? Me me me. And I know I can rock out on the solo if I just become more familiar with the vamps and the CD and the choir part. I need to release creative energy you know what I'm saying? Get a little crazy. This is my last mom day concert and I want to go out with a bang! I'm going to Emerson! Who knows when I'll get to improv again??!! This is going to be good, it has to be. So it will.

There, done venting **



(editor's note: ** for now)

Ah, bliss.

Right now I'm chilling out before I go to REVOLUTION tonight (which I'm hoping will be better than it has been in rehearsal). Listening to Iron & Wine, drinking Traditional Medicinals throat coat tea, eating celery with panut butter and Rosemary & Olive Oil Triscuits. I'll probably take a hot shower and then straighten my hair. Maybe listen to another chapter of Coraline (which by the way costs $12.95, and the British guy that narrates it? He's the AUTHOR. How amazing is that?). I don't know why I'm blogging about this. I just feel so content right now. And writing relaxes me. So I guess I'm just adding it to my mixture of relaxing things I'm participating in right now hah.

REVOLUTION is basically Vietnam 101: the musical. It has a film projection and everything. But this show really is a lot cooler, I think. I'm really hoping the audience likes it...there are some beautiful moments. I just hope they outweigh the sloppy ones. I mess up the dance moves like it's my job.

A lot of the lyrics are actually pretty poignant. I love listening to the original Beatles songs....they were so different and creative. Hey Jude completely kicks Across the Universe's ass. I love Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

Picture yourself in a boat on a river

With tangerine trees and marmalade skies

Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly

A girl with kaleidescope eyes

Cellophane flowers of yellow and green

Towering over your head

Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes

And she's gone

And I love Here Comes the Sun. I know the lyrics are pretty simplistic. But put together with the music, I really like them. Okay I'm rambling at this point. Sorry.

By the way here's a pair of shoes I picked up at Amvets. They caught my eye, but I'm not really sure if I like them anymore. Ehhhh find?

The soles say made in Italy and they're vintage-y looking but...still not sure. They look almost Western to me. Opinions appreciated.

Innovation

I love creative people. I love talking to them, watching them (though not stalking) and I love seeing the crazy stuff they come up with. It may not be logical but it is fun.

The "Apple Jacket." It keeps your apple nice and cozy and doesn't let it get bruised. I usually get huge Golden Delicious apples though...they would probably be an XXL.

"Anti-Theft Lunch Bags." They are the perfect scheme for those sneaky students or co-workers that want to steal a bite of your sandwich. The plastic bags have green spots on them that look like mold...nobody will be touching your food, for

LOVE this one. These rings are called "horny cameos." It shows you how the Victorians really were, as their caption says.

A new way to recycle plastic bags....boots! So innovative.

Confessions of a fallen Catholic woman

Dear God,
I've lost a lot of shame this year. While my Saturday afternoons are always too busy for Reconciliation, I'd like to take this opportunity to confess some things to You in hopes of You agreeing to absolve me.
Here are some confessions:
-When someone is singing badly I can not hide a glare.
-Now being an ex-vegetarian, I like my daily dose of meat. Daily includes Fridays.
-I bought second-hand shoes. I have even pondered earrings (but didn't go that far). That was hard to admit.
-I take advantage of the fact that my brother is okay with getting to school late every day. I sleep til 6:45, take an extra minute or two to tweeze an eyebrow or fix a contact lens and wait until I'm just running out the door to get my books together.
-Sometimes I pretend I took the dog out when I actually didn't. (Buffalo winters are cold)
-I wear sweatpants every day, don't paint my nails, don't do my hair. Basically, I'm not in my prime.
-When people do things that annoy me, my glare is again , not well-hidden. I do not believe I am at fault for this, however, because You could have given me less expressive facial expressions.
-I don't usually do my homework right away. I do pointless things like this.
-I mess up my schedule a lot. And it takes some twisting of the truth to get out of conflicts.
-I like to eat dessert and use the F word a lot. Both are involuntary.
For all these sins, I am sorry. So Bless me, Father and I will do 2 Hail Mary's. And then my slate will finally be clean. A fresh start-- just what I need in the eyes of the Lord.
Thanks God, you're the best. I'll be in touch,
Brianna Maria.

LIfe life life...

So I just wrote a whole long thing (a couple paragraphs long) about Emerson, how I'm so unbelievably excited to be going there, the people I've met so far from the school, how happy I am that it worked out that way, etc. But you know what? That's just the start of things in my life. The good news kind of kicked off a whole series of good event in my life, a string of happy things. I feel so great right now. And you know what? I kind of feel like just talking about the things that make me happy right now.

Well, here they are:
1)SUPER TROUPERS with Mandi and Katie. It's ridiculous and such a good time.

The originals:2)Being at Academy so much lately. I seriously love all my friends there SO much. We're having a blast hanging out a lot and it rocks.

3)Reccomendation: Buy Coraline as an audiobook on iTunes. If you've got $8.99 this is the way to spend it. Its whimsical descriptions which I normally skip right over are read to me and (best part) by a guy with a thick British accent. Perfect! It's so quirky I love it. It makes me smile every time I listen to it.

4)Yesterday, I looked through the clothes in the basement and found some of my mom's old clothes. Most of them were long skirts and dresses. But THEN I hit her maternity section. They are perfect! They have a great tent shape, are the perfect length to wear as a long shirt or a short dress, are oversized but the sleeves aren't too baggy. I love them so much. Most of them are fall pieces, but it's still winter in Buffalo so I can sneak in a few pieces.

5)Reviewing AP Stats. It makes me happy when I understand and am doing well in that class since for a long time I was so confused. It's just such a relief to go to that class.

6)Being a part of The Y. I can't wait to get back into my workout schedule. I'm going back on Wednesday :)

7)Gabriella Climi. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. The Decemberists. Carla Cook. Beyonce. I dig their music for right now.

8)Feeling free. Knowing where I am going next year. Feeling relieved. Having as busy a schedule as always but feeling less stressed.

9)Going to Chestnut Park with Kate. Yeah, it was only once but still it was definitely worthwile.

10)Recent weather. Including the rain.

11)Being able to look forward to so much next year. Especially getting to explore. Emerson is this hub of creative energy and I feel like I will finally be able to be myself to the max, you know? No holding back.

12)Finding a great prom dress.

13)The fact that I'm growing my hair out.

14)The idea of my internship at artpark. (AKA Joseph part 2)

15)Having an iTunes gift card.


16)My grandpa's good health.


17)Tea. Especially Yogi tea which has little proverbs on the tag of the tea bag. (No I do not necessarily reccomend the "nursing moms" edition)

18)Not caring what the school thinks about me.

19)How much people believe in me. Especially Dina, Ersing, people at academey, people in Bel Canto/musical. People are so supportive, it helps and gives me more confidence.

20)Having a clean closet and a clean room. It's so underrated! It really does make you feel better!


That's all. I am having a good time. It's April and I've almost reached another milestone in my life. I have so much to look forward to and so much to be thankful for. I'm loving it.

Update.

By the way, the man I spoke of earlier in fact IS a thug. A religious one who thinks I came into his life as God's gift to him for dealing with his previous girlfriend. He wants to cook for me and have me over and says things like this: "If we ever had a house together...."

Yeah I wouldn't make this up.

(above, me; title, my life; featured in a bestselling novel.)

I'm okay.

No more fun and talk of frolicking mailmen. This is when the blog gets serious.


As you may or may not know, here is a list of the schools I've been rejected to:

Ithaca
University of Michigan
Baldwin-Wallace
and waitlisted academically to Elon


It's hard, you know? I've spent so much of my life, so so so many hours rehearsing and working on and learning about theatre and music that it's hard to be told by a school that they don't want you. That they don't want to teach you, don't want you in their program. And the fact that the application process is so llloooonnnnggg: filling out all 8 applications, writing essays, planning out audition dates that actually work in your schedule, picking the right audition material, memorizing it on top of a whole show to memorize (aka The Wiz), travelling out to the school, being scared shit, auditioning, getting hopes up that just maybe they liked you enough, and then being rejected? It's tough to face. It's really tough.



But the thing is, I'm okay. I'm not saying that to convince myself, I know that I'm ok. I haven't really faced rejection before and this is kind of a new experience for me and it's a new challenge, but I'm strong. The name "Brianna" means strong actually, betcha didn't know that :) The title song from "Songs For a New World" really says it all, I think. Here's a clip of the lyrics:


It's about one moment
That moment you think you know where you stand
And in that one moment
The things that you're sure of slip from your hand
And you've got one second
To try to be clear, to try to stand tall
But nothing's the same
And the wind starts to blow
And you're suddenly a stranger
In some completely different land
And you thought you knew
But you didn't have a clue
That the surface sometimes cracks
To reveal the tracks
To a new world


I love love loooove that part "That the surface sometimes cracks/ To reveal the tracks/ To a new world." And maybe that's what I'm going through. I thought I had everything all set, all figured out, ready to go for this. I really thought I knew how my life would turn out. And to be honest...a really really small part of me was a little bit bummed about that. Feeling locked-in to music theatre, not browsing the other programs of study, knowing I probably wouldn't get to continue any other areas of remote interest, feeling like if I didn't try for it I'd never get a second chance but at the same time feeling like I was sacrificing other parts of myself. But maybe I'm actually meant to do something else. I mean I have a choice now. I can be bummed about what I possibly wasn't meant to do, or I can be excited about what I AM meant to do. Which is completely unknown! That's the best part. The concept is really exciting, I think. And maybe everything I thought I knew had to come crashing down so that I can discover what I'm really meant to be doing. Not that anything is set in stone, of course. I still have Elon, Boston Conservatory, Emerson and Carnegie-Mellon to hear back from. But I'm not gonna lie, the thought of me going to Boston to study literature and writing and getting to experiment with fashion and get to maybe work at tealuxe and do stuff like that sounds really appealing. I know I shouldn't take this so much to heart, but the rejection from Baldwin-Wallace is kind of like a sign to me. That maybe my cards lie somewhere else. Sure, with each rejection it's going to hurt. No doubt. But I've been thinking about this for a while now. And I think that in preparing myself for rejection, and trying to figure out "Option B" it's actually gotten me excited for the alternative. Like I selled it so well to myself that it sounds appealing. And I don't know. If theatre is such a crazy and risky and unpredictable business, shouldn't I want nothing BUT theatre if I'm going into it? Lately, it's not that I've been doubting myself...I've just been considering everything. Thinking, you know? And it's not that I wouldn't want to go into theatre for the sole purpose that I don't think I'm "cut out" for it. It's that maybe there are other and better ways to be happy in life with my career and everything.

I feel like maybe I can even get to the same "result" but in a different way. I can still have the dream of performing on Broadway or even just the dream of getting to do theatre and make money off of it. I could get my degree in writing so I have something a little more solid to hang onto, and challenge myself academically. But still take voice lessons through the college. And an acting/dance class if I can. Maybe a music class here and there through Berklee. Maybe some business classes or media classes, since their resources there are so cool. Yeah. And of course audition for all the theatre I can. I'd love to be in a show while I'm there. Plus, uh, getting broadway tour tickets dirt cheap? It sounds good to me.

It scared me that after being so set on my "path" for a long time, the future is still pretty unknown so far. But I'm gradually learning to accept it and...love it. Because fast forward 20 years from now and I'll probably be pretty glued down in a career/job/whatever and my future won't be so open. So this is a good part of my life. It's MEANT for exploring. Which I love to do anyway. This is good for me.

And maybe in a week or so I'll find out that I got into Elon or whatever some school for musical theatre and won't have to ever worry about an Option B ever again. Or maybe I have 4 more rejections to face. We'll see. But whatever happens, the future is lookin good, so good....

:)

Day 2

So he came early today. I saw his truck on my street at 3:00 and was getting excited for his arrival. I set up stake at my living room, sitting in the front window with my morningstar veggie bites and glass of soy milk, ready to watch for him to get close to my house. When he finally started heading toward my neighbor's house, I took my dog outside, planning to talk to him in the driveway or something. But Ollie went the other direction than usual so I didn't talk to him until he was on his way back from the mailbox.

As he passed me, I called out "hello!" with a big grin and a wave. He gave me a disinterested little "hi," and went on his way. Desperately, I tried to continue the conversation. "Any big envelopes for me?" He said "erm, no." At this point he is nearly at my grandparents' house. So I'm pretty much screaming "I'M WAITING FOR COLLEGE LETTERS!" and he kind of disappeared behind the house.

I hate to say it, but friends, my mailman is a tool. And that's the truth.
No college letters today.
I need a good pair of earrings.

That postman...

...is one sneaky bastard. I go into my kitchen to get a small glass of soy milk and who do you think pulls up, delivers my mail and moves on with his agenda?

Yeah.

So we didn't meet today, and I didn't get any mail either. But as Annie would say, there's always tomorrow...

(I'm really having way too much fun with these images.)

Day 1

Here begins a new era of my life.
This is the week that I find out about my top 2 colleges.
Elon and Baldwin-Wallace. Yeah yeah yeah!

But, it's coming in the mail. My mail comes agonizingly late. Between 3 and 4 o'clock. And it has NOT arrived yet. Driving me crazy. Here's the thing though. I keep stalking my postman creepily like looking out the window and then after he leaves my porch, running in a quick scurry to the mailbox to see if I got any mail.

So. I decided it's about time that my mailman and I acquaint ourselves with each other. When he comes by today, I plan to introduce myself, get his name, and explain my situation with the college letters. I'm sure we'll end up as chums.

I also have this vision of us snapping a photo together with my big acceptance envelope he delivered from Elon or BW, us giving a big smile and thumbs up to the camera.

You never know.

Lifestyles

My life at the age of 25. It's pretty much up for whatever at this point since the next 4 years of my life are thus far undecided. It's actually kind of cool if you think about it. So. Me, age 25. Lets see here...

Option A:
Have a BFA in Musical Theatre. Living in NYC. Sharing a tiny but hot flat with Matt, Frankie, college buddy or all of the above. Pretty good-looking considering I'll be way more in shape after the rigorous exercise and dance programs. I'll also have to spend a lot of money on my wardrobe and taking care of myself (its a cut-throat business!) so yesss I'll have it together. I'll also be extremely busy and have the money to eat completely organically. I'll have a man who is a CEO of some sort, but will be playing him for a broke ex-drug addict cello player.

I'll probably look something like this--


Then again it IS new york city so I could end up looking something like this:
you never know.

Option B:
Have a BA in Writing, Literature and Producting with minor in Theatre Studies. Live in Los Angeles and be an extremely popular social columnist in the local paper, and having ideas for my own magazine in the works. However, I am also a nationally-acclaimed theatre critic and am frequently flown out to New York to attend theatre for free and write about theatre and shop for amazing clothes. I have a husband who is a wealthy freelance architect and a dog and we live on the beach but vacation in Spain. But we're not disgustingly rich or snobbish. We're pretty friendly. We don't want kids because they ruin lives. I live a pretty chill lifestyle and do what I want. It's a good time.

If I went to Emerson College in Boston I probably look something like this:
relaxed, vintage, etc.


If I went to Elon University in NC I look something like this:
southern fashion just might take over


Option C:
A freak incident occurs and I end up in a random field...dentistry. I work overtime, am miserable and need a lifetime supply of bandaids for the number of times kids bite my fingers. At 22 I got lonely and had a mis-hap, so I am a single mother of one unwanted but loved child named Phillip. We live in a suburban house and don't have much fun. Being in the medical and frusterating field, I take on the tendency to overeat and become large. Quite large. I take a strange liking to Christopher and Banks. I am doomed to spend the rest of my life alone. Until at the age of 28 I meet a man named Georgie, also large, and we do the Nutrislim diet together -- turns out it works after all! Being united in our slender success, we get married. So there's the silver lining. However:
AVOID OPTION C AT ALL COSTS
You don't want to see my potential face of Option C.


Other than that though, my life seems headed for the right direction, yeah? It's good to have options.

Disclaimer

I write in this blog more for myself and to kind of just let out my thoughts than to entertain people. So no complaints about my ridiculously long posts! No one made you read it!

By the way if you've ever wanted to see me with blond hair this is it:



Ignore other girl in photo.

happy day-when-the-clock-changes whose holiday name escapes me right now

It's kind of the reason why I'm blogging -- I can't sleeeeep


So. Why not just kind of vent a little? You know some updates from the last few months.
Let me tell you.
It was a crazy few months. But I'll start with the most recent thing.
See, reader, I took a leap on Saturday afternoon.
An aquaintance I met at the ECMEA Vocal Jazz Ensemble asked me for my number. He wasn't really my type.
Normally, I probably would have somehow made a joke or something that would get me out of that situation and turn the guy down. But this time I didn't so that. I thought who the hell cares it's my life I'll do what I want! I figured it would probably be good for me.

If only I would have followed my intuition.
For those of you who actually know me, you'd know I'm a creep-magnet. It's been a while though, so I thought maybe I had been cured.

I wish I were so lucky.

He has called me 8 times in the past 48 hours.

And I also think he is a thug.
*sigh*

While he insisted it was a phone problem yesterday, I highly doubt that caused him to call four more times today. It is really getting annoying. I even gave him a special ghettolicious ringtone so I know when he is calling and can effectively ignore and then reject. I can't really decide if we should meet up and go for coffee and whatever or just skip the whole thing altogether.


You also have to consider that if I lead him on or something my family could potentially be in danger. So yeah.

Onward.

My college auditions have come to an end -- THANK THE LORD. It was just a really stressful part of my life. The travelling was fun and whatever, but I couldn't exactly take it lightly knowing that my future for the next 4 years was at stake.

On that note.... I find out from my top 2 schools next, well this week. Probably near the end. In day-to-day life I can push it from my mind and be pretty easygoing about it. But when I talk about it or think about it I am so scared my stomach flips and I want to cry. I know it's important to think positively so I do not completely reduce myself to a shriveled up emotional stressed-out and burned-out mess, it is SO HARD. I LIVE IN FUCKING WEST SENECA AND DON'T GO TO A PERFORMING ARTS HIGH SCHOOL AND HAVE NO IDEA IF I HAVE ANY TALENT AT ALL AND DON'T KNOW IF IM DOING THE RIGHT THING OR IF IT'S ALL A WASTE OF TIME AND MY PARENTS MONEY.



(whew)



It's just so easy to be self-conscience and insecure. I think I'm "talented" but is it enough? I really won't find out until I hear back from these colleges. I don't want to have that stupid and dopey kind of "hope" that some people have, when they're really just kidding themselves. I want to believe that when people tell me I'm special, it's real and means something, but don't want to fall into a trap of thinking I'm better than I actually am, you know? I just am kind of freaked out about the fact that I haven't been actually accepted into a college yet. But I was rejected from two: Ithaca and Michigan. It is so hard to swollow those rejections and go into the next audition as the same person. And on top of that, I've had the blessing/curse of never really having been rejected from anything before college letters. Maybe not gotten a part that I wanted, but never flat-out rejected from anything (academically, theatrically, etc.)


So. I don't know.
I didn't intend to write about this.
It just kind of slipped out.


It's just that, if I don't get into either of these two schools, that's kind of the end. For my music theatre major. Because then I'll only have emerson, boco and carnegie-mellon letters left. All 3 in which I did not do very well at.

I know I have to keep my cool for a few more days at least and just kind of chill, focus on other things.

Example: I want to start a blog critiquing local theatre. Sweeet. Including high school theatre. Why not, right? It'll probably be anonymous though, and you'll only know who it is if you read my blog mahaha.

Also, I want to practice my tenor saxophone. It's been a while. And I want to get more jazz music. Do my pilates dvd. Eat healthy. Think about broadway revue. Audition for artpark. Practice the recital ballet choreography. See the foreign film The Class and the 3D film Coraline.
Maybe make a fancy dessert. We'll see.

Life is good though. I love my friends so much. They really make my life so meaningful to me, I am so lucky. My best friends, Katie, Frankie and Matt could not not be better friends. And the rest of my friends -- academy friends, "limo" friends, dance friends and, yes, even thug man are just such good people. I love having people like that in my life. I sure will miss it next year. It's hard to imagine finding that anywhere else. Whether it be at Elon, B-W or, sure I'll say it, CMU ha. And the teachers and mentors in my life like Ers, Dina and Mrs. O are helping me so much to improve musically/theatrically and also figure out who I really am. Like I said, life is good. Truly.

On a final note.

My first crush when I was a little girl was Simon from Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Ooh the one in the blue! With the glasses! I knew how to pick em! Git it girl!

2009!!

Oh MAN 2009? Say it ain't so!

Actually.

Please.

Say it IS so.

Over

and 

over

and

over

because God KNOWS it's taken a 

long time to come!

Finally! 2009 means so much to me, even just the idea of it. It was always so like, far off in the distance. You knew it was there, but couldn't really see it. Well, baby it has arrived! Mm!

In a few months my life is going to turn upside down and be completely different than it was before. EVERYthing will change. New life, new friends, new challenges, everything will be so fresh. Plus a whole new year to look forward to -- 2013. It'll probably be hard at first but guess what? Maybe you couldn't tell, but I can't wait!!