I'm okay.

No more fun and talk of frolicking mailmen. This is when the blog gets serious.


As you may or may not know, here is a list of the schools I've been rejected to:

Ithaca
University of Michigan
Baldwin-Wallace
and waitlisted academically to Elon


It's hard, you know? I've spent so much of my life, so so so many hours rehearsing and working on and learning about theatre and music that it's hard to be told by a school that they don't want you. That they don't want to teach you, don't want you in their program. And the fact that the application process is so llloooonnnnggg: filling out all 8 applications, writing essays, planning out audition dates that actually work in your schedule, picking the right audition material, memorizing it on top of a whole show to memorize (aka The Wiz), travelling out to the school, being scared shit, auditioning, getting hopes up that just maybe they liked you enough, and then being rejected? It's tough to face. It's really tough.



But the thing is, I'm okay. I'm not saying that to convince myself, I know that I'm ok. I haven't really faced rejection before and this is kind of a new experience for me and it's a new challenge, but I'm strong. The name "Brianna" means strong actually, betcha didn't know that :) The title song from "Songs For a New World" really says it all, I think. Here's a clip of the lyrics:


It's about one moment
That moment you think you know where you stand
And in that one moment
The things that you're sure of slip from your hand
And you've got one second
To try to be clear, to try to stand tall
But nothing's the same
And the wind starts to blow
And you're suddenly a stranger
In some completely different land
And you thought you knew
But you didn't have a clue
That the surface sometimes cracks
To reveal the tracks
To a new world


I love love loooove that part "That the surface sometimes cracks/ To reveal the tracks/ To a new world." And maybe that's what I'm going through. I thought I had everything all set, all figured out, ready to go for this. I really thought I knew how my life would turn out. And to be honest...a really really small part of me was a little bit bummed about that. Feeling locked-in to music theatre, not browsing the other programs of study, knowing I probably wouldn't get to continue any other areas of remote interest, feeling like if I didn't try for it I'd never get a second chance but at the same time feeling like I was sacrificing other parts of myself. But maybe I'm actually meant to do something else. I mean I have a choice now. I can be bummed about what I possibly wasn't meant to do, or I can be excited about what I AM meant to do. Which is completely unknown! That's the best part. The concept is really exciting, I think. And maybe everything I thought I knew had to come crashing down so that I can discover what I'm really meant to be doing. Not that anything is set in stone, of course. I still have Elon, Boston Conservatory, Emerson and Carnegie-Mellon to hear back from. But I'm not gonna lie, the thought of me going to Boston to study literature and writing and getting to experiment with fashion and get to maybe work at tealuxe and do stuff like that sounds really appealing. I know I shouldn't take this so much to heart, but the rejection from Baldwin-Wallace is kind of like a sign to me. That maybe my cards lie somewhere else. Sure, with each rejection it's going to hurt. No doubt. But I've been thinking about this for a while now. And I think that in preparing myself for rejection, and trying to figure out "Option B" it's actually gotten me excited for the alternative. Like I selled it so well to myself that it sounds appealing. And I don't know. If theatre is such a crazy and risky and unpredictable business, shouldn't I want nothing BUT theatre if I'm going into it? Lately, it's not that I've been doubting myself...I've just been considering everything. Thinking, you know? And it's not that I wouldn't want to go into theatre for the sole purpose that I don't think I'm "cut out" for it. It's that maybe there are other and better ways to be happy in life with my career and everything.

I feel like maybe I can even get to the same "result" but in a different way. I can still have the dream of performing on Broadway or even just the dream of getting to do theatre and make money off of it. I could get my degree in writing so I have something a little more solid to hang onto, and challenge myself academically. But still take voice lessons through the college. And an acting/dance class if I can. Maybe a music class here and there through Berklee. Maybe some business classes or media classes, since their resources there are so cool. Yeah. And of course audition for all the theatre I can. I'd love to be in a show while I'm there. Plus, uh, getting broadway tour tickets dirt cheap? It sounds good to me.

It scared me that after being so set on my "path" for a long time, the future is still pretty unknown so far. But I'm gradually learning to accept it and...love it. Because fast forward 20 years from now and I'll probably be pretty glued down in a career/job/whatever and my future won't be so open. So this is a good part of my life. It's MEANT for exploring. Which I love to do anyway. This is good for me.

And maybe in a week or so I'll find out that I got into Elon or whatever some school for musical theatre and won't have to ever worry about an Option B ever again. Or maybe I have 4 more rejections to face. We'll see. But whatever happens, the future is lookin good, so good....

:)