Confessions of a fallen Catholic woman

Dear God,
I've lost a lot of shame this year. While my Saturday afternoons are always too busy for Reconciliation, I'd like to take this opportunity to confess some things to You in hopes of You agreeing to absolve me.
Here are some confessions:
-When someone is singing badly I can not hide a glare.
-Now being an ex-vegetarian, I like my daily dose of meat. Daily includes Fridays.
-I bought second-hand shoes. I have even pondered earrings (but didn't go that far). That was hard to admit.
-I take advantage of the fact that my brother is okay with getting to school late every day. I sleep til 6:45, take an extra minute or two to tweeze an eyebrow or fix a contact lens and wait until I'm just running out the door to get my books together.
-Sometimes I pretend I took the dog out when I actually didn't. (Buffalo winters are cold)
-I wear sweatpants every day, don't paint my nails, don't do my hair. Basically, I'm not in my prime.
-When people do things that annoy me, my glare is again , not well-hidden. I do not believe I am at fault for this, however, because You could have given me less expressive facial expressions.
-I don't usually do my homework right away. I do pointless things like this.
-I mess up my schedule a lot. And it takes some twisting of the truth to get out of conflicts.
-I like to eat dessert and use the F word a lot. Both are involuntary.
For all these sins, I am sorry. So Bless me, Father and I will do 2 Hail Mary's. And then my slate will finally be clean. A fresh start-- just what I need in the eyes of the Lord.
Thanks God, you're the best. I'll be in touch,
Brianna Maria.

LIfe life life...

So I just wrote a whole long thing (a couple paragraphs long) about Emerson, how I'm so unbelievably excited to be going there, the people I've met so far from the school, how happy I am that it worked out that way, etc. But you know what? That's just the start of things in my life. The good news kind of kicked off a whole series of good event in my life, a string of happy things. I feel so great right now. And you know what? I kind of feel like just talking about the things that make me happy right now.

Well, here they are:
1)SUPER TROUPERS with Mandi and Katie. It's ridiculous and such a good time.

The originals:2)Being at Academy so much lately. I seriously love all my friends there SO much. We're having a blast hanging out a lot and it rocks.

3)Reccomendation: Buy Coraline as an audiobook on iTunes. If you've got $8.99 this is the way to spend it. Its whimsical descriptions which I normally skip right over are read to me and (best part) by a guy with a thick British accent. Perfect! It's so quirky I love it. It makes me smile every time I listen to it.

4)Yesterday, I looked through the clothes in the basement and found some of my mom's old clothes. Most of them were long skirts and dresses. But THEN I hit her maternity section. They are perfect! They have a great tent shape, are the perfect length to wear as a long shirt or a short dress, are oversized but the sleeves aren't too baggy. I love them so much. Most of them are fall pieces, but it's still winter in Buffalo so I can sneak in a few pieces.

5)Reviewing AP Stats. It makes me happy when I understand and am doing well in that class since for a long time I was so confused. It's just such a relief to go to that class.

6)Being a part of The Y. I can't wait to get back into my workout schedule. I'm going back on Wednesday :)

7)Gabriella Climi. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. The Decemberists. Carla Cook. Beyonce. I dig their music for right now.

8)Feeling free. Knowing where I am going next year. Feeling relieved. Having as busy a schedule as always but feeling less stressed.

9)Going to Chestnut Park with Kate. Yeah, it was only once but still it was definitely worthwile.

10)Recent weather. Including the rain.

11)Being able to look forward to so much next year. Especially getting to explore. Emerson is this hub of creative energy and I feel like I will finally be able to be myself to the max, you know? No holding back.

12)Finding a great prom dress.

13)The fact that I'm growing my hair out.

14)The idea of my internship at artpark. (AKA Joseph part 2)

15)Having an iTunes gift card.


16)My grandpa's good health.


17)Tea. Especially Yogi tea which has little proverbs on the tag of the tea bag. (No I do not necessarily reccomend the "nursing moms" edition)

18)Not caring what the school thinks about me.

19)How much people believe in me. Especially Dina, Ersing, people at academey, people in Bel Canto/musical. People are so supportive, it helps and gives me more confidence.

20)Having a clean closet and a clean room. It's so underrated! It really does make you feel better!


That's all. I am having a good time. It's April and I've almost reached another milestone in my life. I have so much to look forward to and so much to be thankful for. I'm loving it.

Update.

By the way, the man I spoke of earlier in fact IS a thug. A religious one who thinks I came into his life as God's gift to him for dealing with his previous girlfriend. He wants to cook for me and have me over and says things like this: "If we ever had a house together...."

Yeah I wouldn't make this up.

(above, me; title, my life; featured in a bestselling novel.)

I'm okay.

No more fun and talk of frolicking mailmen. This is when the blog gets serious.


As you may or may not know, here is a list of the schools I've been rejected to:

Ithaca
University of Michigan
Baldwin-Wallace
and waitlisted academically to Elon


It's hard, you know? I've spent so much of my life, so so so many hours rehearsing and working on and learning about theatre and music that it's hard to be told by a school that they don't want you. That they don't want to teach you, don't want you in their program. And the fact that the application process is so llloooonnnnggg: filling out all 8 applications, writing essays, planning out audition dates that actually work in your schedule, picking the right audition material, memorizing it on top of a whole show to memorize (aka The Wiz), travelling out to the school, being scared shit, auditioning, getting hopes up that just maybe they liked you enough, and then being rejected? It's tough to face. It's really tough.



But the thing is, I'm okay. I'm not saying that to convince myself, I know that I'm ok. I haven't really faced rejection before and this is kind of a new experience for me and it's a new challenge, but I'm strong. The name "Brianna" means strong actually, betcha didn't know that :) The title song from "Songs For a New World" really says it all, I think. Here's a clip of the lyrics:


It's about one moment
That moment you think you know where you stand
And in that one moment
The things that you're sure of slip from your hand
And you've got one second
To try to be clear, to try to stand tall
But nothing's the same
And the wind starts to blow
And you're suddenly a stranger
In some completely different land
And you thought you knew
But you didn't have a clue
That the surface sometimes cracks
To reveal the tracks
To a new world


I love love loooove that part "That the surface sometimes cracks/ To reveal the tracks/ To a new world." And maybe that's what I'm going through. I thought I had everything all set, all figured out, ready to go for this. I really thought I knew how my life would turn out. And to be honest...a really really small part of me was a little bit bummed about that. Feeling locked-in to music theatre, not browsing the other programs of study, knowing I probably wouldn't get to continue any other areas of remote interest, feeling like if I didn't try for it I'd never get a second chance but at the same time feeling like I was sacrificing other parts of myself. But maybe I'm actually meant to do something else. I mean I have a choice now. I can be bummed about what I possibly wasn't meant to do, or I can be excited about what I AM meant to do. Which is completely unknown! That's the best part. The concept is really exciting, I think. And maybe everything I thought I knew had to come crashing down so that I can discover what I'm really meant to be doing. Not that anything is set in stone, of course. I still have Elon, Boston Conservatory, Emerson and Carnegie-Mellon to hear back from. But I'm not gonna lie, the thought of me going to Boston to study literature and writing and getting to experiment with fashion and get to maybe work at tealuxe and do stuff like that sounds really appealing. I know I shouldn't take this so much to heart, but the rejection from Baldwin-Wallace is kind of like a sign to me. That maybe my cards lie somewhere else. Sure, with each rejection it's going to hurt. No doubt. But I've been thinking about this for a while now. And I think that in preparing myself for rejection, and trying to figure out "Option B" it's actually gotten me excited for the alternative. Like I selled it so well to myself that it sounds appealing. And I don't know. If theatre is such a crazy and risky and unpredictable business, shouldn't I want nothing BUT theatre if I'm going into it? Lately, it's not that I've been doubting myself...I've just been considering everything. Thinking, you know? And it's not that I wouldn't want to go into theatre for the sole purpose that I don't think I'm "cut out" for it. It's that maybe there are other and better ways to be happy in life with my career and everything.

I feel like maybe I can even get to the same "result" but in a different way. I can still have the dream of performing on Broadway or even just the dream of getting to do theatre and make money off of it. I could get my degree in writing so I have something a little more solid to hang onto, and challenge myself academically. But still take voice lessons through the college. And an acting/dance class if I can. Maybe a music class here and there through Berklee. Maybe some business classes or media classes, since their resources there are so cool. Yeah. And of course audition for all the theatre I can. I'd love to be in a show while I'm there. Plus, uh, getting broadway tour tickets dirt cheap? It sounds good to me.

It scared me that after being so set on my "path" for a long time, the future is still pretty unknown so far. But I'm gradually learning to accept it and...love it. Because fast forward 20 years from now and I'll probably be pretty glued down in a career/job/whatever and my future won't be so open. So this is a good part of my life. It's MEANT for exploring. Which I love to do anyway. This is good for me.

And maybe in a week or so I'll find out that I got into Elon or whatever some school for musical theatre and won't have to ever worry about an Option B ever again. Or maybe I have 4 more rejections to face. We'll see. But whatever happens, the future is lookin good, so good....

:)

Day 2

So he came early today. I saw his truck on my street at 3:00 and was getting excited for his arrival. I set up stake at my living room, sitting in the front window with my morningstar veggie bites and glass of soy milk, ready to watch for him to get close to my house. When he finally started heading toward my neighbor's house, I took my dog outside, planning to talk to him in the driveway or something. But Ollie went the other direction than usual so I didn't talk to him until he was on his way back from the mailbox.

As he passed me, I called out "hello!" with a big grin and a wave. He gave me a disinterested little "hi," and went on his way. Desperately, I tried to continue the conversation. "Any big envelopes for me?" He said "erm, no." At this point he is nearly at my grandparents' house. So I'm pretty much screaming "I'M WAITING FOR COLLEGE LETTERS!" and he kind of disappeared behind the house.

I hate to say it, but friends, my mailman is a tool. And that's the truth.
No college letters today.
I need a good pair of earrings.

That postman...

...is one sneaky bastard. I go into my kitchen to get a small glass of soy milk and who do you think pulls up, delivers my mail and moves on with his agenda?

Yeah.

So we didn't meet today, and I didn't get any mail either. But as Annie would say, there's always tomorrow...

(I'm really having way too much fun with these images.)

Day 1

Here begins a new era of my life.
This is the week that I find out about my top 2 colleges.
Elon and Baldwin-Wallace. Yeah yeah yeah!

But, it's coming in the mail. My mail comes agonizingly late. Between 3 and 4 o'clock. And it has NOT arrived yet. Driving me crazy. Here's the thing though. I keep stalking my postman creepily like looking out the window and then after he leaves my porch, running in a quick scurry to the mailbox to see if I got any mail.

So. I decided it's about time that my mailman and I acquaint ourselves with each other. When he comes by today, I plan to introduce myself, get his name, and explain my situation with the college letters. I'm sure we'll end up as chums.

I also have this vision of us snapping a photo together with my big acceptance envelope he delivered from Elon or BW, us giving a big smile and thumbs up to the camera.

You never know.

Lifestyles

My life at the age of 25. It's pretty much up for whatever at this point since the next 4 years of my life are thus far undecided. It's actually kind of cool if you think about it. So. Me, age 25. Lets see here...

Option A:
Have a BFA in Musical Theatre. Living in NYC. Sharing a tiny but hot flat with Matt, Frankie, college buddy or all of the above. Pretty good-looking considering I'll be way more in shape after the rigorous exercise and dance programs. I'll also have to spend a lot of money on my wardrobe and taking care of myself (its a cut-throat business!) so yesss I'll have it together. I'll also be extremely busy and have the money to eat completely organically. I'll have a man who is a CEO of some sort, but will be playing him for a broke ex-drug addict cello player.

I'll probably look something like this--


Then again it IS new york city so I could end up looking something like this:
you never know.

Option B:
Have a BA in Writing, Literature and Producting with minor in Theatre Studies. Live in Los Angeles and be an extremely popular social columnist in the local paper, and having ideas for my own magazine in the works. However, I am also a nationally-acclaimed theatre critic and am frequently flown out to New York to attend theatre for free and write about theatre and shop for amazing clothes. I have a husband who is a wealthy freelance architect and a dog and we live on the beach but vacation in Spain. But we're not disgustingly rich or snobbish. We're pretty friendly. We don't want kids because they ruin lives. I live a pretty chill lifestyle and do what I want. It's a good time.

If I went to Emerson College in Boston I probably look something like this:
relaxed, vintage, etc.


If I went to Elon University in NC I look something like this:
southern fashion just might take over


Option C:
A freak incident occurs and I end up in a random field...dentistry. I work overtime, am miserable and need a lifetime supply of bandaids for the number of times kids bite my fingers. At 22 I got lonely and had a mis-hap, so I am a single mother of one unwanted but loved child named Phillip. We live in a suburban house and don't have much fun. Being in the medical and frusterating field, I take on the tendency to overeat and become large. Quite large. I take a strange liking to Christopher and Banks. I am doomed to spend the rest of my life alone. Until at the age of 28 I meet a man named Georgie, also large, and we do the Nutrislim diet together -- turns out it works after all! Being united in our slender success, we get married. So there's the silver lining. However:
AVOID OPTION C AT ALL COSTS
You don't want to see my potential face of Option C.


Other than that though, my life seems headed for the right direction, yeah? It's good to have options.

Disclaimer

I write in this blog more for myself and to kind of just let out my thoughts than to entertain people. So no complaints about my ridiculously long posts! No one made you read it!

By the way if you've ever wanted to see me with blond hair this is it:



Ignore other girl in photo.

happy day-when-the-clock-changes whose holiday name escapes me right now

It's kind of the reason why I'm blogging -- I can't sleeeeep


So. Why not just kind of vent a little? You know some updates from the last few months.
Let me tell you.
It was a crazy few months. But I'll start with the most recent thing.
See, reader, I took a leap on Saturday afternoon.
An aquaintance I met at the ECMEA Vocal Jazz Ensemble asked me for my number. He wasn't really my type.
Normally, I probably would have somehow made a joke or something that would get me out of that situation and turn the guy down. But this time I didn't so that. I thought who the hell cares it's my life I'll do what I want! I figured it would probably be good for me.

If only I would have followed my intuition.
For those of you who actually know me, you'd know I'm a creep-magnet. It's been a while though, so I thought maybe I had been cured.

I wish I were so lucky.

He has called me 8 times in the past 48 hours.

And I also think he is a thug.
*sigh*

While he insisted it was a phone problem yesterday, I highly doubt that caused him to call four more times today. It is really getting annoying. I even gave him a special ghettolicious ringtone so I know when he is calling and can effectively ignore and then reject. I can't really decide if we should meet up and go for coffee and whatever or just skip the whole thing altogether.


You also have to consider that if I lead him on or something my family could potentially be in danger. So yeah.

Onward.

My college auditions have come to an end -- THANK THE LORD. It was just a really stressful part of my life. The travelling was fun and whatever, but I couldn't exactly take it lightly knowing that my future for the next 4 years was at stake.

On that note.... I find out from my top 2 schools next, well this week. Probably near the end. In day-to-day life I can push it from my mind and be pretty easygoing about it. But when I talk about it or think about it I am so scared my stomach flips and I want to cry. I know it's important to think positively so I do not completely reduce myself to a shriveled up emotional stressed-out and burned-out mess, it is SO HARD. I LIVE IN FUCKING WEST SENECA AND DON'T GO TO A PERFORMING ARTS HIGH SCHOOL AND HAVE NO IDEA IF I HAVE ANY TALENT AT ALL AND DON'T KNOW IF IM DOING THE RIGHT THING OR IF IT'S ALL A WASTE OF TIME AND MY PARENTS MONEY.



(whew)



It's just so easy to be self-conscience and insecure. I think I'm "talented" but is it enough? I really won't find out until I hear back from these colleges. I don't want to have that stupid and dopey kind of "hope" that some people have, when they're really just kidding themselves. I want to believe that when people tell me I'm special, it's real and means something, but don't want to fall into a trap of thinking I'm better than I actually am, you know? I just am kind of freaked out about the fact that I haven't been actually accepted into a college yet. But I was rejected from two: Ithaca and Michigan. It is so hard to swollow those rejections and go into the next audition as the same person. And on top of that, I've had the blessing/curse of never really having been rejected from anything before college letters. Maybe not gotten a part that I wanted, but never flat-out rejected from anything (academically, theatrically, etc.)


So. I don't know.
I didn't intend to write about this.
It just kind of slipped out.


It's just that, if I don't get into either of these two schools, that's kind of the end. For my music theatre major. Because then I'll only have emerson, boco and carnegie-mellon letters left. All 3 in which I did not do very well at.

I know I have to keep my cool for a few more days at least and just kind of chill, focus on other things.

Example: I want to start a blog critiquing local theatre. Sweeet. Including high school theatre. Why not, right? It'll probably be anonymous though, and you'll only know who it is if you read my blog mahaha.

Also, I want to practice my tenor saxophone. It's been a while. And I want to get more jazz music. Do my pilates dvd. Eat healthy. Think about broadway revue. Audition for artpark. Practice the recital ballet choreography. See the foreign film The Class and the 3D film Coraline.
Maybe make a fancy dessert. We'll see.

Life is good though. I love my friends so much. They really make my life so meaningful to me, I am so lucky. My best friends, Katie, Frankie and Matt could not not be better friends. And the rest of my friends -- academy friends, "limo" friends, dance friends and, yes, even thug man are just such good people. I love having people like that in my life. I sure will miss it next year. It's hard to imagine finding that anywhere else. Whether it be at Elon, B-W or, sure I'll say it, CMU ha. And the teachers and mentors in my life like Ers, Dina and Mrs. O are helping me so much to improve musically/theatrically and also figure out who I really am. Like I said, life is good. Truly.

On a final note.

My first crush when I was a little girl was Simon from Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Ooh the one in the blue! With the glasses! I knew how to pick em! Git it girl!